In an effort to be more true to myself--the real me I became when I was 14 and fell in love with when I was about 19 or 20--I figure one of the things I can do, is reintroduce myself to those I know, love, and respect. Part of what I have loved about myself is my absolute joyous acceptance of the fact that I am not perfect...not by any stretch of the imagination. But somewhere along the way, I forgot the joyous part...I never forgot that I was not perfect, but I forgot to rejoice in the learning experiences, the adventures, and the opportunities that come from that very fact. I started to beat myself up for being imperfect. The irony that
I realize in that now, is that in beating myself up for not being perfect, I'm not truly acknowledging that I am imperfect...if I were, then it would not come as a shock to me and therefore I would not feel the need to get down about it.
So...number 1...I AM NOT PERFECT. I REALIZE IT. AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I am no different than anyone else on this earth in terms of being imperfect...I can only set myself apart in terms of how I deal with it and utilize it in my life. I choose to use it for growth, enlightenment, and education.
So that's number 1 on my reintroduction list...more to come.
Life is good--
bRandy
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
I'm in Repair...
...I'm not together, but I'm getting there.
There are times in this life where you just know...
You know that something has shifted and things will never again be the same. This "phenomenon" is most notable in situations where you fall in love with another human being--I mean truly fall in love. When you look at her one day and finally see her...truly see her. See her for everything she is and everything she wants to (and will) be. And maybe more importantly you see her for everything that she's not, and maybe never will be. You see all of her wonderful qualities...and you see all of her faults--so clearly that sometimes you could swear that it was the faults that truly made you fall for her...the way she rolls her eyes at you, the way she is so spoiled and stubborn, and the dead-give-away look she gets when she's not being completely honest about how much her latest purchase is gonna run you. When you can stand there, in the midst of your worst argument and think of nothing but how much you love her crazy ass...it can be said that you...just know.
But what about when you begin to fall in love with yourself...either for the first time, or all over again? Experience is teaching me that the "you just know" phenomenon exists here as well. There comes a moment where you just know--know that now that YOU realize those things that you've been trying to convince everyone else of, nothing will ever be the same. We spend our days and nights trying to convince those we love that we are smart, compassionate, trustworthy, attractive, and sweet. And somewhere in the midst of all that convincing, we inevitably replace confidence with doubt...our lack of confidence in ourselves inevitably breeds doubt from others. And it makes sense. You are with yourself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year--so if you don't exude confidence that you are _____(insert positive character trait here)--if you don't believe it, why should the rest of the world? They're just believing what you tell them. If you tell the world through your own perception and representation of yourself that you aren't those things, why on earth wouldn't they believe you? You are the authority on yourself. And while there may be one or two people in your life who seem to know you better than you know yourself, they are few and far between. We're talking about rest of the world here--not just your baby's mama-lol. Anyway, I digress....the point is that there comes a time in your life when you look at everything differently--the grass looks greener, the stars shine brighter, food tastes better, and best of all...bullshit JUST DOESN'T MATTER...all because you fell in love...
with you...
again...
finally.
so today...this is my ode to me:
"i fell in love today...just like i did yesterday...and the day before that's the day...that i fell in love with you" lyrics by: jai malano-ayers
And the beauty of it all? Loving me makes loving her that much more beautiful...and we all know that shit was hella beautiful from jump! :)
peace,
bRandy
There are times in this life where you just know...
You know that something has shifted and things will never again be the same. This "phenomenon" is most notable in situations where you fall in love with another human being--I mean truly fall in love. When you look at her one day and finally see her...truly see her. See her for everything she is and everything she wants to (and will) be. And maybe more importantly you see her for everything that she's not, and maybe never will be. You see all of her wonderful qualities...and you see all of her faults--so clearly that sometimes you could swear that it was the faults that truly made you fall for her...the way she rolls her eyes at you, the way she is so spoiled and stubborn, and the dead-give-away look she gets when she's not being completely honest about how much her latest purchase is gonna run you. When you can stand there, in the midst of your worst argument and think of nothing but how much you love her crazy ass...it can be said that you...just know.
But what about when you begin to fall in love with yourself...either for the first time, or all over again? Experience is teaching me that the "you just know" phenomenon exists here as well. There comes a moment where you just know--know that now that YOU realize those things that you've been trying to convince everyone else of, nothing will ever be the same. We spend our days and nights trying to convince those we love that we are smart, compassionate, trustworthy, attractive, and sweet. And somewhere in the midst of all that convincing, we inevitably replace confidence with doubt...our lack of confidence in ourselves inevitably breeds doubt from others. And it makes sense. You are with yourself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year--so if you don't exude confidence that you are _____(insert positive character trait here)--if you don't believe it, why should the rest of the world? They're just believing what you tell them. If you tell the world through your own perception and representation of yourself that you aren't those things, why on earth wouldn't they believe you? You are the authority on yourself. And while there may be one or two people in your life who seem to know you better than you know yourself, they are few and far between. We're talking about rest of the world here--not just your baby's mama-lol. Anyway, I digress....the point is that there comes a time in your life when you look at everything differently--the grass looks greener, the stars shine brighter, food tastes better, and best of all...bullshit JUST DOESN'T MATTER...all because you fell in love...
with you...
again...
finally.
so today...this is my ode to me:
"i fell in love today...just like i did yesterday...and the day before that's the day...that i fell in love with you" lyrics by: jai malano-ayers
And the beauty of it all? Loving me makes loving her that much more beautiful...and we all know that shit was hella beautiful from jump! :)
peace,
bRandy
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
AINT LIFE GREAT(FUL)?
grateful for...
...new eyes to see
...new ears to hear/listen
...new understanding of self
...love of self and realization of such
...remembering who you fell in love with
...remembering who i fell in love with
...all of the doors of opportunity that are opening up for you lately--and all the ways you're seeking them out. you are going to be so successful and i love to watch your drive and determination in action. go get 'em tiger! lol
...trip to houston (the baby, watching them argue incessantly, Sambuca, fight-free zone, romance)
...Sambuca--cause it's just that damn good--needed its own entry. I recommend this restaurant in downtown Houston very highly. Upscale Jazz club atmosphere--live music, amazing food.
...Bob Marley-Legends...the best CD in existence in my humble opinion.
--and saving the best for last...
...JM-A...WOW. Looks good on ya
peace,
bRandy
...new eyes to see
...new ears to hear/listen
...new understanding of self
...love of self and realization of such
...remembering who you fell in love with
...remembering who i fell in love with
...all of the doors of opportunity that are opening up for you lately--and all the ways you're seeking them out. you are going to be so successful and i love to watch your drive and determination in action. go get 'em tiger! lol
...trip to houston (the baby, watching them argue incessantly, Sambuca, fight-free zone, romance)
...Sambuca--cause it's just that damn good--needed its own entry. I recommend this restaurant in downtown Houston very highly. Upscale Jazz club atmosphere--live music, amazing food.
...Bob Marley-Legends...the best CD in existence in my humble opinion.
--and saving the best for last...
...JM-A...WOW. Looks good on ya
peace,
bRandy
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
GRATEFUL FOR....
...big things poppin' and LIL THINGS STOPPIN'. i know i don't usually quote commercialized rap songs, but today...today this one just leaps out at me. thank GOD.
...soft backrubs-to-sleep...no words for what they communicate.
...coming back to the middle...i have been trying to get there for some time--and yesterday i finally arrived. i am here. i am back to me--the real me. and i love it here. i had forgotten the comfort that comes with my natural laid-back personality and had gotten caught up in those lil things (that are stoppin') and became more tense and rigid. i had forgotten that so much shit just doesn't actually matter to me. PEOPLE matter to me. Their bullshit rarely does--even from the ones i do care about. i missed me. but now i'm reunited...and it feels SO good!
...the ways she looks--it's good for my self-esteem. lol. i'm just kidding (well, sort of), but it's a nice thing to get to come home to everyday--that's all i'm sayin' :)
...she's in there like swimwear--i knew she would be, but it was nice to be able to tell her that they officially want her. more important than the way she looks, is who she is and i couldn't be more proud of her or to have her.
...MOVING. i don't have enough words right now to describe how much we are looking forward to this. there are certainly people i will miss. but those people are "lifers" and my moving anywhere isn't going to change that.
...new beginnings--it is definitely time. it's a beautiful thing and i can't wait. we're about to do big things Peanut.
...our promises--something feels different now.
...things just falling into place--life feels good right now. i'm chillin...
-like a villain,
bRandy
...soft backrubs-to-sleep...no words for what they communicate.
...coming back to the middle...i have been trying to get there for some time--and yesterday i finally arrived. i am here. i am back to me--the real me. and i love it here. i had forgotten the comfort that comes with my natural laid-back personality and had gotten caught up in those lil things (that are stoppin') and became more tense and rigid. i had forgotten that so much shit just doesn't actually matter to me. PEOPLE matter to me. Their bullshit rarely does--even from the ones i do care about. i missed me. but now i'm reunited...and it feels SO good!
...the ways she looks--it's good for my self-esteem. lol. i'm just kidding (well, sort of), but it's a nice thing to get to come home to everyday--that's all i'm sayin' :)
...she's in there like swimwear--i knew she would be, but it was nice to be able to tell her that they officially want her. more important than the way she looks, is who she is and i couldn't be more proud of her or to have her.
...MOVING. i don't have enough words right now to describe how much we are looking forward to this. there are certainly people i will miss. but those people are "lifers" and my moving anywhere isn't going to change that.
...new beginnings--it is definitely time. it's a beautiful thing and i can't wait. we're about to do big things Peanut.
...our promises--something feels different now.
...things just falling into place--life feels good right now. i'm chillin...
-like a villain,
bRandy
Monday, October 22, 2007
there are choices that i have made in this life that some may never understand.
but the beauty of forming true, deep, connected relationships with people from different backgrounds, different lifestyles, different thought patterns, etc. is that for every decision i make that one person can't understand, another totally "gets". for every thought i have as to why i should not do something, someone can give me a reason that i should.
and vice versa.
i have great people in my life.
i have people that i talk to with far less frequency than i used to, yet their influence in my life is, and will remain, ever-present.
i have people that i talk to frequently (well, for me...i know, i SUCK at the phone, you don't have to tell me in the comments-lol) and their influence is of course, also ever-present.
but the thing about me is that it's not always (in fact, rarely) the opinions or advice that is dished out in themselves that make these people so valuable to me, but instead just those people being who they are.
i learn so much from other people. not from what they tell me, but from what they show me.
i love that i have friends who never finished high school AND friends with Ph.D.s
i love that i have associates who work full-time as pizza delivery drivers AND associates who are attorneys.
i love that i have contacts in Brazil, London, Hawaii, Alaska, France, Los Angeles, NYC, Dallas, San Antonio, etc...
i love that i know someone who can stand in the face of her past and remove those shackles and go on to do the exact opposite of what she has been brought up to believe is "enough".
i love that i know someone who can stand in the face of her race and another and pursue her interests, her knowledge, her passions, and the challenges of her son's history and future.
i love that i know someone who comes from a black nuclear family, complete with mom and dad having been married for over 30 years,and 2 kids and a white picket fence.
basically, what i'm trying to say is that i am constantly observing. I may not always take people's advice, I may not always do what seems like the best or the right thing, but my decisions come from a place that no one else may understand. they come from a space that is created of so many different influences, ideas, cultures, feelings--all of which have influence on me.
And the truth of the matter is, at the end of the day, I'm just a different kind of person. My thought processes don't always make sense to other people--particularly as they relate to other people. But they come from a very real place. They come from my heart. They come from my life experience. And I am ok with that.
I love to make mistakes. I love to learn the lessons that come from them.
I love to get things right. I love to learn the lessons that come from that too.
And I love having people in my life who take my mistakes not as a means of telling themselves that I am no longer "who they thought I was", but instead as a reitteration that i am exactly who they thought i was...
someone
who is
perfectly
imperfect
with a good heart,
wisdom,
truth,
and love...
one who never claimed to be anything else...
and they absolutely love me just like that and wouldn't have me any other way.
there is so much freedom in that. and those for whom that is true, are those who will be in my life forever.
peace,
bRandy
but the beauty of forming true, deep, connected relationships with people from different backgrounds, different lifestyles, different thought patterns, etc. is that for every decision i make that one person can't understand, another totally "gets". for every thought i have as to why i should not do something, someone can give me a reason that i should.
and vice versa.
i have great people in my life.
i have people that i talk to with far less frequency than i used to, yet their influence in my life is, and will remain, ever-present.
i have people that i talk to frequently (well, for me...i know, i SUCK at the phone, you don't have to tell me in the comments-lol) and their influence is of course, also ever-present.
but the thing about me is that it's not always (in fact, rarely) the opinions or advice that is dished out in themselves that make these people so valuable to me, but instead just those people being who they are.
i learn so much from other people. not from what they tell me, but from what they show me.
i love that i have friends who never finished high school AND friends with Ph.D.s
i love that i have associates who work full-time as pizza delivery drivers AND associates who are attorneys.
i love that i have contacts in Brazil, London, Hawaii, Alaska, France, Los Angeles, NYC, Dallas, San Antonio, etc...
i love that i know someone who can stand in the face of her past and remove those shackles and go on to do the exact opposite of what she has been brought up to believe is "enough".
i love that i know someone who can stand in the face of her race and another and pursue her interests, her knowledge, her passions, and the challenges of her son's history and future.
i love that i know someone who comes from a black nuclear family, complete with mom and dad having been married for over 30 years,and 2 kids and a white picket fence.
basically, what i'm trying to say is that i am constantly observing. I may not always take people's advice, I may not always do what seems like the best or the right thing, but my decisions come from a place that no one else may understand. they come from a space that is created of so many different influences, ideas, cultures, feelings--all of which have influence on me.
And the truth of the matter is, at the end of the day, I'm just a different kind of person. My thought processes don't always make sense to other people--particularly as they relate to other people. But they come from a very real place. They come from my heart. They come from my life experience. And I am ok with that.
I love to make mistakes. I love to learn the lessons that come from them.
I love to get things right. I love to learn the lessons that come from that too.
And I love having people in my life who take my mistakes not as a means of telling themselves that I am no longer "who they thought I was", but instead as a reitteration that i am exactly who they thought i was...
someone
who is
perfectly
imperfect
with a good heart,
wisdom,
truth,
and love...
one who never claimed to be anything else...
and they absolutely love me just like that and wouldn't have me any other way.
there is so much freedom in that. and those for whom that is true, are those who will be in my life forever.
peace,
bRandy
Monday, September 17, 2007
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS....
...it's our Anniversary.
2 years...and if all goes according to plan, the last time we'll really celebrate this one as the big one. I'm sure we'll always acknowledge it cause it's important--our first date--the beginning to what we hope will never end.
but we'll have a new "big one" soon...June 28th 2008. (Mark your calendars!)
and as exciting as that future prospect is, today i am just thinking about the past....
the past 2 years...
...jo and michelle's and the picture that still hangs on our fridge--somebody, somewhere already knew what we know now...
...you making the first definitive move--i like to claim i started this (and i did have my wheels turning), but you made the first date happen when it did, i will finally admit...
...the jazz festival, wan-fu and the lady who tied our to-go bag like she was protecting fort knox (lol), and then getting hustled at pool.
...the earrings--bought with the purest of intentions, contrary to your belief at the time :)
...text-messaging all day, everyday
...Emily Rose (always take a woman to a scary movie when you're dating her so she can cling to you when she's scared-lol)
...Stories about Maria, Smeed, and your dad's bbq that had me up all night laughing
....Emails to and from France--how surprised you were that I found internet there just to email you (after only 2 weeks of dating)...and how surprised I was to find that you had already sent me one in hopes that I would.
...Parkfield
...meeting your mom
...bringing you home to my family
...BINGO, BINGO, BINGO...bitch betta have my money!
..."the world..."
..."i'm afraid the talk button might get pushed..."
...Port Aransas this time last year--we had such a good time...karaoke in the truck, pulling over and "hanging out" during the pouring rain, getting a ticket, fishing with bologna in the ocean, sleeping in the bed of the truck and waking up to crashing waves and sunrise....going to sleep to crashing waves and starlit nights....
...San Antonio Riverwalk...La Mansion...performance
...Spurs NBA Championship and your support of my obsession :)
...your poetry/singing performace at ACC--watching a whole new crowd fall in love with you
...Monopoly, The Family Guy, Shrek 2, and that warrior game Jevon left you
....Phil/Jen/Haley/Caitlin
...making up
...and the list could go on and on. The best of times, the most adverse at times, and going through it all together...and isn't that the definition of love?
bRandy
p.s. (in unrelated news: i would like to give a shout out to my good friend for "paying it forward"--it was a great monday morning surprise...she is off tha chain! thank you!)
2 years...and if all goes according to plan, the last time we'll really celebrate this one as the big one. I'm sure we'll always acknowledge it cause it's important--our first date--the beginning to what we hope will never end.
but we'll have a new "big one" soon...June 28th 2008. (Mark your calendars!)
and as exciting as that future prospect is, today i am just thinking about the past....
the past 2 years...
...jo and michelle's and the picture that still hangs on our fridge--somebody, somewhere already knew what we know now...
...you making the first definitive move--i like to claim i started this (and i did have my wheels turning), but you made the first date happen when it did, i will finally admit...
...the jazz festival, wan-fu and the lady who tied our to-go bag like she was protecting fort knox (lol), and then getting hustled at pool.
...the earrings--bought with the purest of intentions, contrary to your belief at the time :)
...text-messaging all day, everyday
...Emily Rose (always take a woman to a scary movie when you're dating her so she can cling to you when she's scared-lol)
...Stories about Maria, Smeed, and your dad's bbq that had me up all night laughing
....Emails to and from France--how surprised you were that I found internet there just to email you (after only 2 weeks of dating)...and how surprised I was to find that you had already sent me one in hopes that I would.
...Parkfield
...meeting your mom
...bringing you home to my family
...BINGO, BINGO, BINGO...bitch betta have my money!
..."the world..."
..."i'm afraid the talk button might get pushed..."
...Port Aransas this time last year--we had such a good time...karaoke in the truck, pulling over and "hanging out" during the pouring rain, getting a ticket, fishing with bologna in the ocean, sleeping in the bed of the truck and waking up to crashing waves and sunrise....going to sleep to crashing waves and starlit nights....
...San Antonio Riverwalk...La Mansion...performance
...Spurs NBA Championship and your support of my obsession :)
...your poetry/singing performace at ACC--watching a whole new crowd fall in love with you
...Monopoly, The Family Guy, Shrek 2, and that warrior game Jevon left you
....Phil/Jen/Haley/Caitlin
...making up
...and the list could go on and on. The best of times, the most adverse at times, and going through it all together...and isn't that the definition of love?
Happy Anniversary Peanut...
With all my love, all my strength, all my soul, and all my heart,
bRandy
p.s. (in unrelated news: i would like to give a shout out to my good friend for "paying it forward"--it was a great monday morning surprise...she is off tha chain! thank you!)
Monday, September 10, 2007
WHEN GRATE(ful) JUST CAN'T WAIT...
i'm bringing tuesdays back....not that they were probably ever here before, but whatever! :)
Sometimes it just can't wait...GRATEFUL TUESDAY:
--for talks until 430am and that follow-up conversation that immediately followed :)
--for giving me more of your life...i have your present, i've secured your future, thanks for sharing more of your past. no judgement, just love.
--for telling me how you feel and hearing how i feel. it's nice to be able to do it that way.
--for full-disclosure. thank you for letting me share my whole truth with you. i guess it is what it is, and it sucks...but i'm glad we could at least have the conversation--it needed to happen.
--for teamwork--us vs. the scrub--bitch betta have my money! lol don't forget i charge $100/hr!
--for your advice that came in the form of leading me to answer my own question. how you gonna pull my own moves on me? lol either way, it worked...and yes, you can keep me in your pocket--they just gotta be baggy jeans like i told you!
--for your "204.15 :( " text...you are too cute. in trouble, but cute.
--for a song in my heart, sunshine on my face, chucks on my feet, sweet tarts on my taste buds, and moonlight in my eyes. i feel surrounded and fulfilled.
--for the hostess and her date a couple of weeks back...haven't gotten to ask how it went yet, but want her to know we think about her often and wish her nothing but happiness.
--for dumb bastards who really can't see their ass through the trees of ignorance they plant, sow, and grow. i am grateful for you cause like kanye says "that that don't kill me (us), can only make me(us) stronger"...and we're not even close to dead so...you do the math.
--**little known fact about me alert** for the fact that even though sometimes i think i should have pursued astronomy, even though it seemed impractical to me at the time, i know that i will try my hardest to be the best lawyer i can be--because that is the path i have chosen for myself and i will give it my all...and i will succeed. i will just have to admire the moon and all its stars from afar. and admire, i will.
--for his 7th birthday coming up...for his "wallet" comment....and for his mere presence giving me practice as to how to love a child with all your heart. he helps mine beat. i adore him.
--for the honor of being yours, for the gift of you being mine, for the beauty of this love being ours.
peace,
bRandy
Sometimes it just can't wait...GRATEFUL TUESDAY:
--for talks until 430am and that follow-up conversation that immediately followed :)
--for giving me more of your life...i have your present, i've secured your future, thanks for sharing more of your past. no judgement, just love.
--for telling me how you feel and hearing how i feel. it's nice to be able to do it that way.
--for full-disclosure. thank you for letting me share my whole truth with you. i guess it is what it is, and it sucks...but i'm glad we could at least have the conversation--it needed to happen.
--for teamwork--us vs. the scrub--bitch betta have my money! lol don't forget i charge $100/hr!
--for your advice that came in the form of leading me to answer my own question. how you gonna pull my own moves on me? lol either way, it worked...and yes, you can keep me in your pocket--they just gotta be baggy jeans like i told you!
--for your "204.15 :( " text...you are too cute. in trouble, but cute.
--for a song in my heart, sunshine on my face, chucks on my feet, sweet tarts on my taste buds, and moonlight in my eyes. i feel surrounded and fulfilled.
--for the hostess and her date a couple of weeks back...haven't gotten to ask how it went yet, but want her to know we think about her often and wish her nothing but happiness.
--for dumb bastards who really can't see their ass through the trees of ignorance they plant, sow, and grow. i am grateful for you cause like kanye says "that that don't kill me (us), can only make me(us) stronger"...and we're not even close to dead so...you do the math.
--**little known fact about me alert** for the fact that even though sometimes i think i should have pursued astronomy, even though it seemed impractical to me at the time, i know that i will try my hardest to be the best lawyer i can be--because that is the path i have chosen for myself and i will give it my all...and i will succeed. i will just have to admire the moon and all its stars from afar. and admire, i will.
--for his 7th birthday coming up...for his "wallet" comment....and for his mere presence giving me practice as to how to love a child with all your heart. he helps mine beat. i adore him.
--for the honor of being yours, for the gift of you being mine, for the beauty of this love being ours.
peace,
bRandy
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